Practical Laws

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* Jone’s Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* Terman’s Law of Innovation:
If you want a team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot each.

* O’brien’s Variation:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

* Conway’s Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

* The Peter Principle:
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

* H.L.Mencken’s Law:
Those who can, do. Those who cannot teach.

* Martin’s Extension:
Those who can’t teach, administer

* Belani’s Extrapolation:
Those who cannot even administer, become consultants.

* Lieberman’s Law:
Everbody lies; but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

* Kovac’s Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

* Van Herpen’s Law:
The solving of the problem lies in finding the solvers.

* Murphy’s Law of Government:
If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.

* Bell’s Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Ruby’s Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

* Young’s Law:
Great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Kin Hubbard:
A good listener is usually thinking about something else

* One Anonymous Great Seer’s Law :
Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

Few more Laws :

Everyone knows Murphy’s Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will…"

Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery’s Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

Beach’s Law: Interchangeable parts aren’t.

William’s Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane’s Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon’s Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Norman Einstein’s Law: If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

Col. Murphy’s Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

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Lift Etiquettes

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1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream ‘that’s mine’.

5. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

6. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

7. Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

8. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9. Ask, ‘Did you feel that?’

10. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

11. When the doors close, announce to the others, ‘It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again.’

12. Call out ‘group hug’, and then enforce it.

13. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

ENJOY !! 

Talking about 35 ways to pass time in office

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1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Count your fingers (and toes if you get bored).
4. Improve your typing speed.
5. Meditate.
6. Crib.
7. Crib some more.
8. Rearrange the furniture, i.e.. flick someone else chair just to irritate him/her.
9. Send mails from ms-mail to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and  see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there..and note down the time they take to reach there.
10. Watch other people changing their facial expressions while working and try changing your expressions also..
11. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
12. Have work breaks in between tea.
13. Have a two hour lunch, its a big social occasion.
14. Take up smoking, so you can have cigarette breaks too.
15. Read jokes and send jokes.
16. Revise last weeks newspaper.
17. Sing in sync with the carpenters hammering.
18. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
19. Follow the amoebae that floats in front of your eyes.
20. Try reformatting the mainframe DASD.
21. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
22. Compile "How to waste your day".
23. Pick up phone and dial non existing no.s
24. Make faces at strangers in office.
25. Make faces at your friends in office.
26. Open other people’s computers on network and try cracking their passwords.
27. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at a time.
28. For Windows users….Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.
29. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old. (my favorite)
30. Plan to take bath.
31. Learn to whistle.
32. Make cracking noises, barking noises.
33. And if you are still getting bored, make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.
34. Fwd this mail to everyone u know Repeat 1-33 in a while(1) loop
35. Visit Harshal’s cubicle.

A poem by Software Engineer

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Main GLT no 711..
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon..
apni hi tarah
khaali baithe ek colleague ko dekhta hoon
kabhi mail karta
kabhi coffee peeta
kabhi Extn pe baat karta
Messenger pe chat karta rehta..

woh kehte hain woh TL hai
woh kehte hain woh senior hai
fir kyon mere jaisa lagta hai
kyon din bhar FORWARDS padhta hai
cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
cabin me baithe apne PM ko dekhta hoon
Main GLT no 711..

kabhi phone pe
kabhi conference-call pe
gussa utarta jaane kis pe
who kehte hain project aane wala hai
training complete karo , kaam aane wala hai
fir kyon mujhe yeh jhootha sa lagta hai
fir kyon yeh sapna sa lagta hai
Main GLT no 711..
cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon

Doosri companiyon ko join kar chuke
purane doston ko dekhta hoon
woh kehte hain bond ka kya hai, chale jao
woh kehte hain kahin aur kismat aazmao
fir kyon bond todne se dil darta hai
abhi ek saal aur intezaar
karne ko jee karta hai

Main GLT no 711..
cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon …

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

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1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

 

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your  feet…
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..
why don’t you try again.

 

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

 

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also  spit  in it.

 

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after  years…
Stupid Question:-
Munna,Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

 

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he’s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout…it’s just the  money.

 

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or  not.
You thought I was sleeping….you dumb witted moron.

 

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

 

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

 

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks…
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it’s a miracle …….
….it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in  flames!!!

21st century Deewar

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This is 21st century Deewar with two brothers Ravi (Shashi Kapoor) and
Vijay (Amitabh Bachchan) who are programmers. They are clashing because
Vijay is into using computer resources for downloading illegal software and
software piracy, and Ravi has been assigned task by system administration,
of clearing system of such evils.
He is writing a program to identify and weed out such net-hackers. So this is the fight between Ravi’s ethics and Vijay’s philosophy. Vijay logs in and starts chatting with Ravi who is already logged in.

Amitabh – Shukar hai aaj tum bug fix nahi kar rahe ho. Muze login karane
mein der to nahi hui.

Shashi- Koi bat nahi, netscape chalanewale hamesha slow hi kam karate
hai.

Amitabh – Mai jo kuch kahana chahata hun usake pahale puch lun, ki muze
sunanewala kaun hai ek bhai, ya system administrator.

Shashi- Jabtak ek bhai programming kar raha hai, ek bhai sun raha hai.
Jab mpegs play karega, ek system administrator sunega.

Amitabh- Ravi tumhe malum nahi, ki programmers ko tumne apna dushman
bana liya hai. Aaj to maine unko virus spread karanese rok liya, par shayad
kal na rok saku. Tum documentation mein transfer lelo Ravi.

Shashi- Nethacker bhai ka login karke bol raha hai.

Amitabh- Lagata hai wo jo partition hum dono ke disk mein hai, wo is pc ke
hard disk se bahot bada hai. Ravi tumhe malum nahi jo program tum likh
rahe ho, uska unjaam kya ho sakata hai.

Shashi- Jo program mein likh raha hun, wo hang bhi ho sakata hai par jo
program tum chala rahe ho uska unjaam sirf core dump hi hai mere bhai.

Amitabh- Main to mera code run kar chuka hun, par tumhare paas to abhi
bahot memory hai. Yahan aur bhi companies hai, tum udhar kyoun nahi chale
jate.

Shashi- Nahi, mere usool, mere adarsh muze iski ijazat nahi de sakate.

Amitabh- Oof!!!! tumhare usool, tumhare adarsh.!!!! ! kis kam ke hai
tumhare usool. Tumhare tamam usulon ko computer mein dalkar do line ka code
nahi likha ja sakata ravi.
Jin adarshon pe chalkar tum apne programs likh rahe ho kya diya hai tumko un adarsho ne. Ek do KB ka ram, 1MB ka 286 PC, ek do kaudi ka pager. Hum dono ne is pc se programming chalu ki aur tum kaha rah gaye, aur main kahan aaa gaya. Aaj mere paas mpegs hai, Avi hai, jpegs hai, aur to aur Apple IMAC hai….. tumhare paas kya hai .

Shashi- Mere paas Root Password hai, bhaaaaaai ….

Some deadly compliments you always wanna use

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1 Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2 Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I’d like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there’s one thing good about your body. It isn’t as ugly as your face!

6. Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing.

7. Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I’d sue my parents!

11. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!

14. Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don’t grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought-it’s unfamiliar territory.

21. He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he’s funny, it’s a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who’s Who as What’s That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

27. How come you’re here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it’s empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look?

31. Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?

32. I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

33. I don’t want you to turn the other cheek; it’s just as ugly.

34. I don’t know who you are, but whatever you are, I’m sure everyone will agree with me.

35. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

37. I can’t seem to remember your name, and please don’t help me!

38. I don’t even like the people you’re trying to imitate, if you are at all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you’re a self-made man. It’s nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

42. I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

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