Buffalo Diary

Leave a comment

 DEAR DIARY:
 AUG.  1 Moved to a new home in  Buffalo. It is so beautiful  here. The
 city is so picturesque. Can  hardly wait to see  it covered with snow.
 I LOVE IT   HERE.
 OCT.  14 Buffalo is the most  beautiful place on earth. The  leaves
 are turning all different  colors. I love the shades of  red and
 orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are
 so graceful. Certainly they are the  most peaceful animals on the
 earth. This  must be a paradise. I LOVE IT   HERE.
 NOV.  11 Deer season will open soon.  I can’t imagine anyone  wanting
 to kill such an elegant creature.  The very symbol of  peace and
 tranquility. Hope it will snow   soon. I LOVE IT  HERE.
 DEC.  2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything  blanketed in
  white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside  and cleaned snow
 off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We  had a snowball fight
 today (I won). When the snowplow came by  we had to shovel the
 driveway again. What a beautiful  place. Mother Nature in perfect
 harmony. I  LOVE IT HERE
 DEC.   12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his
 trick again that rascal. A winter  wonderland. I LOVE  IT  HERE.
 DEC.  19 Snowed again last  night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway
 to get to work this time.  I’m exhausted from  shoveling. Damned
 Snowplow!
 DEC.  22 More of that white shit  fell last night. I’ve got  blisters
 on my hands from shoveling. I  think the snowplow  hides around the
 corner and waits until I’m  done  shoveling. That  A**hole!
 DEC.  25 "White Christmas" my busted a**. Mother f—-snow.  If  I
 ever got my hands on that son-of-a-b*tch who drives   that snowplow, I
 swear I will castrate the dumb bastard.   Don’t know why they don’t
 use more salt on this damned   ice.
 DEC.  28 More of the same shit last  night. Been inside  since
 Christmas day except for when "Snowplow  Harry" comes  by. Can’t go
 anywhere. The car is buried in a  mountain of  white sh*t. The
 weatherman says expect another 10  inches of  this crap tonight. Do
 you know how many shovels full  of  snow
 10 inches  is?
 JAN.   1 Happy F–n New Year. The weatherman was wrong  (AGAIN). We
 got 34 inches of snow this time. At this rate  it won’t melt  until
 the 4th of July. The snowplow got  stuck down the road and  shit for
 brains had the balls to come  to the door and ask to  borrow my
 shovel. I told him I broke  6 shovels already, shoveling  out the crap
 he plowed into  my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel  over his g-d-
 head.
 JAN.  4 Finally  got out of the house today. Went to the store to  get
 food and on  the way back a deer ran out in front of the  car and I
 hit it! Did  about $3,000.00 damage to  the car. Wish the hunters
 would have  killed them all  last November.
 MAY   3 Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you   believe
 the body is rotting away from all the g-d- salt they   keep dumping
 all over the roads. It really looks like a piece   of crap.
 MAY  10 Moved to Florida  today. I can’t imagine why anyone in  their
 right mind would want  to live in God forsaken Buffalo,  New York.
 SEPT 7 Today  a hurricane came through and destroyed my house and  I
 Found my car 3 blocks away, totally destroyed. All of my  stuff is
 gone. I guess I should have stayed in Buffalo;  the snow wasn’t  that
 bad.

 

Nice Tip

Leave a comment

I was  happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we  decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends  encouraged me.
And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only  one thing bothering me, very much indeed.
That one thing was her younger  sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age.

One  day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the  wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and  desires  for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted  to make love to  me just once before I got married and committed my life
to her  sister.
I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said,  "I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it  just come up and get me."
I  was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I  watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.
My  future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged  me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the  family."
The moral of this  story is:
Always keep your condoms in your  car.

9 Things I Hate..

Leave a comment

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say "it’s always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When yo u are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

 

Lucky Grandma

Leave a comment

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first examination.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I’m his Grandma,
but I’m glad I came."

Lesson for developers

1 Comment

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training.

Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,

"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,

"That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

 

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "…and I can’t remember who she was!"

Moral of the story: Don’t copy if you can’t paste.

Sambhar of 69

5 Comments

Sambhar

of 69 (lyrics)

I had my first real six rupees,

Stole it from my father’s pants.

went to a madrasi hotel,

to eat the sambhar of 69.

Me and some kadke dost,

had it all and we caught bukhaar,

jimy puked, joey got ulcers,

and Bagga ne maari dakar.

 

Oh when I went back there now,

the food was as stale as ever,

and though it was 1999,

still the sambhar was being served over there,

 

that was the worst food of my life.

 

Therez no use in complaining,

when you got no other place to eat,

rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic,

but he too was at the toilet seat, yeah

 

standing there waiting outside,

nurse told me I will wait forever,

oh and when I held my breath,

I knew that I had to use that loo there

That was the worst food of my life.

 

Back to the sambhar of 69.

 

Man I was getting killed,

I was full and restless,

I needed to unwind,

I guess nothing can wait forever – FOREVER… NO!!!!

 

And now the dhabas are changing,

new dishes have come and gone,

sometimes when I pass that old madrasi lane,

I still smell it, I can’t be wrong.

 

Standing in those unwashed clothes,

the waiters still call me in there,

oh the way my nostrils burn,

I know that it will be served forever,

what was the worst food of my life.

 

yeah it was the sambhar of 69,

the sambhar, the sambhar, the sambhar of 69 ……………

 

Original Summer of 69

I got my first real six-string

Bought it at the five-and-dime

Played it till my fingers bled

It was the summer of ’69

Me and some guys from school

Had a band and we tried real hard

Jimmy quit and Jody got married

I shoulda known we’d never get far

Oh when I look back now

That summer seemed to last forever

And if I had the choice

Ya – I’d always wanna be there

Those were the best days of my life

Ain’t no use in complainin’

When you got a job to do

Spent my evenin’s down at the drive-in

And that’s when I met you

Standin’ on your mama’s porch

You told me that you’d wait forever

Oh and when you held my hand

I knew that it was now or never

Those were the best days of my life

Back in the summer of ’69

Man we were killin’ time

We were young and restless

We needed to unwind

I guess nothin’ can last forever – forever, no

And now the times are changin’

Look at everything that’s come and gone

Sometimes when I play that old six-string

I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standin’ on your mama’s porch

You told me it would last forever

Oh the way you held my hand

I knew that it was now or never

Those were the best days of my life
Back in the summer of ’69

13 Differences between Women and Men

2 Comments

1. NAMES:

 If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
 call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

 If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer 
 to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 2. EATING OUT:

 When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
 a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have
 anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

 When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 3. MONEY:

 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.


 4. BATHROOMS:

 A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
 razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

 The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is
 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 5. ARGUMENTS:

 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 6. CATS:

 Women love cats.
 Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

 7. FUTURE:

 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 8. SUCCESS:

 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can  spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 9. MARRIAGE:
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

 10. DRESSING UP:

 A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty the
 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 11. NATURAL:

 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 12. OFFSPRING:

 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
 dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
 secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 13. FINAL THOUGHT:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Older Entries